Q: Is there first date ask etiquette, especially now with the plethora of communication tools?
JEFF: I think the etiquette is pretty much that the man still needs to ask first and it needs to be done with an actual voice. If I meet someone in person, I will ask about seeing them sometime soon and then do the planning on the phone. If I meet someone online, I will also do the asking over the phone. No texting for dates!
Am I the only person out there that thinks it’s OK for a modern, independent, confident woman to go ahead and ask a guy out if she so chooses. I think it’s hot, but maybe that’s just me.
KRISTIN: I agree. That someone should ask me out either in person or on the phone. But I have texted when it comes to sometimes planning the details of the date. Depends upon the situation. And there has been a few times someone that I met online will ask to meet for coffee or something people we even spoke on the phone. But then some would say that is a “meeting” not an actual “date”.
And Jeff, yes, there have been a few times I have asked a guy out. Usually I try to “hint” around by saying, “we should hang out sometime”. Its a way to see if they are interested, but still letting them do the true asking out. What do you think of that tactic?
JEFF: I’m all for the ladies helping us fellas out! We don’t always “get it”, so a little nudge can flip a switch that we actually have a shot. We could have a whole discussion about the quirks of online dating including the whole “meeting” vs. “date” thing. Isn’t that just semantics for most people. I mean, you met via an online dating site so to me, that implies any meeting is a date. Call me crazy.
Q: What’s your most memorable first date and why?
KRISTIN: One first date comes to mind. Lets call him Joe. I met Joe at a local lounge and within 5 minutes of sitting down he started in with the questions. “What kind of vacations do you like? When was your last relationship? What happened? How are your eating habits? Do you like to ski? How are you with kids? Do you want kids?……” Phew! As soon as I answered one, he threw another one at me. Joe definitely had a checklist in his head. I was exhausted. The more I learned from him, the more I realized he has never really been single. And he also does not have a stable group of friends that are important in his life. Here was a guy who was looking for an instant girlfriend. How fast could I run out the door?
JEFF: I hope you are not calling him Joe because that’s his name! Bad first dates don’t stand out to me because they are too common. I think I’ll go with a hangout that turned into a date that turned into a relationship. It was my last quarter in college and I was in Spanish class and sat next to a cute girl. I was always late and not really into doing things outside of class, but we had to get these cultural activities in.
Well, it was getting to the end of the quarter and I needed a lot of culture points. I asked this cute girl if she wanted to do that with me on Friday. She needed a couple of points herself so I said that I’d plan it all out. There was a party in the Spanish house, which is a place where Spanish majors lived and they only spoke Spanish in the house…some immersion stuff. Anyway, going to that party counted. I also suggested that we go out to dinner at Mi Ranchito restaurant. Amazingly, that counted too. Then for after the party I rented some subtitled Spanish movies and each one of those counted though we had to write up a little review of each. After the movie, we chatted and eventually there was some smooch action. That was a really great night that was unintended, but still managed to be a date. It also became a relationship. It didn’t work out; it only lasted like 12 years.
KRISTIN: Depends on what you think “not working out” means. I would say 12 years is “working out” in my book. But that is a whole other topic to discuss at another time. Ok, smooth-mover, it seems you took full advantage of the needed assignment! Party, dinner and movies. That’s a long evening for a first date! But what is so sweet about the story, is that it was not labeled as a true “date”, it kind of just organically happened, which makes it beautiful.
Q: What topics and/or actions are turn-offs for you on a first date?
JEFF: Obviously, I don’t like talk of ex’es on the ‘ole first date. I would like to include the recounting of all recent online dates. It would be interesting to read in a blog, on my own time, but not over a meal that I’m paying for. Seriously.
I have been known to be a little picky about things and I’m working on it. A couple of years ago, I could have filled volumes with little things that would annoy me on a date. I still have some though: rudeness towards anyone we come in contact with, a horrible laugh – I’m hilarious and I can’t put up with that long term, consistently speaking in less than complete sentences – if she sounds dumb I’m out. I’m sure there are more, like texting while we are on the date or displaying too much pretension or asking questions that attempt to quantify my net worth….and the face that is sure to come when she figures it out. OK, that’s enough. I’m really trying to get over all of these things.
KRISTIN: Phew. That was exhausting just reading your list. I guess you must have experienced all of those things. So I have a question: Don’t you tend to learn about someone’s annoying features to know not to ask them out? Just saying…
Ok, onto my thoughts on the subject….I would recommend not bringing up religion or politics. My two biggest turn offs would be 1. Looking at your cell phone throughout the date. Check it when you go to the bathroom, please! 2. Lack of eye contact. He must be present. Obvious he is interested in ME not the other 20 or so potential women that just walked in.
JEFF: People don’t let their annoying traits out of the bag right away. Sometimes it takes that one glass of wine and 20 minutes of familiarity for them to let loose. I agree with you on the religion and politics stuff. I’ve read online profiles that say if you didn’t vote for “____”, we won’t get along. Really?? James Carville and Mary Matalin seem to make it work, but they actually know what they’re talking about and confident enough to be exposed to a diversity of ideas. Am I talking politics right now? Arg!
You hit a bullseye with the whole…uh…eye thing. Eye contact is a key component to both communication and manufacturing, I mean nurturing, intimacy.
Q: How far would you go on a first date?
KRISTIN: All depends if the date went well. If the date did not go so well, a goodbye hug usually happens, maybe a peck. If the date went well, ending with some kissing for sure. And there have been dates where we hit it off so much that we held hands very quickly. Those are the good ones, but rare. : )
JEFF: I’d go as far as a bordering state, but never out of the country; I have limits. Wait….OH, you mean how FAR would I go? Come on, I’m a man, so that question is very, very simple: I will go as far as she lets me.
KRISTIN: Haha. Nice honest response Jeff. I appreciate that.
Q: Assuming you would kiss on the first date…what if the kiss is really bad, would that ultimately influence your decision to go out again?
KRISTIN: All depends. Because I believe there are two kinds of bad kissers, those who have potential to improve once we kissed more, and those who are just down right awful kissers that honestly have no hope. (Or I don’t want to have to be the one to teach them.)
JEFF: It does depend. I don’t think a bad kiss is always indicative of a bad kisser, though. I’ll go with three types of bad kisses: 1. Bad all around technique – this can be hard to overcome if you don’t wanna take the energy to guide, but it could be 1st time nerves, 2. 1st time operator error – sometimes the new equipment (you) is a bit intimidating and the kisser didn’t quite get a hold of the controls on the first run. This is salvageable. 3. Repulsive qualities – bad breath, over salivating, etc. These are things that can’t be overlooked. NEXT.
KRISTIN: Love your response. It made me laugh out loud, I think the neighbors heard me! So the last kiss I had with a guy, I will ONLY assume that me being the “new equipment is a bit intimidating” and he didn’t “quite get a hold of the controls on the first run.” I can only hope its salvageable. I’m giving it another shot.
Talk to more singles. Get more dates with an ice breaker. Try out the SingleTee with the message ” Too shy to say hi“!